Tomorrow is my birthday.
I have no plans..
No one around to share a slice of birthday cake with…
No one to tease me about turning another year older..
No half-burnt dinner, lovingly prepared by my kids.
For the first time EVER, I will be completely alone.
Considering where I am in my life, this seemingly somber moment is very appropriate.
With the upcoming finalization of my divorce, this will be the last birthday I have using my married name. Everyone who was part of my world has moved on and created their own. My role as mother, a companion, a necessity, has come to an end. Once upon a time, I was spreading myself thin, I was everywhere, I belonged to everyone. Today, like an old toy that lost its novelty, I belong nowhere, and to no one.
But I am not sad…
I have moved into many houses over the years. It seemed that we outgrew one home within minutes after inhabiting it. There is an exhaustion associated with the thought of packing and transferring one life into another. On the other hand, there is a positively-charged nervous energy about the idea of moving into a new home - picking out window coverings, paint selections, carpet, etc, occupying a new space, filling it with yourself and making it your own…
That is what it feels like right now.
In my solitude, I can imagine myself doing a final walk-through of my life, making sure that I gathered all of my belongings and that nothing is left behind. In this vacant “house,” I am wandering through each room, recalling with a sad smile, how each space was occupied. In this vision, I am almost ready to head on over to the new place. I know that once I leave, I will be saying goodbye to this house forever.
I am ready to take my leave from this home, this space, the world that had been my life all these years. I am ready, and excited to see what my new dwelling will look like.
A few months ago, while in deep meditation, I envisioned myself wistfully strolling through a field of lavender. I was resolute, balanced, moving with grace and ease. This was a very powerful image. One that I appreciated but put aside, not quite understanding its’ significance…
Lavender is known for spiritual healing, tranquility, and purification. Lavender is used in the blessing of a new home.
Tomorrow doesn’t just commemorate the day I was born into this world, it is also significant as a day that my soul chose to wake up and get ready for the big move…